Love isn’t supposed to HURT
February 21, 2020
Grief does not ask for your permission.
April 1, 2020

Imposter or influencer?

Imposter or influencer? 
Who are you when no one is around? 
Hypocrite or Honest? 
Throughout my teenage and young adult years this question would have burned a hole in my heart. It would have made me squirm and cringe because of shame. I was good at hiding who I was and what I did in secret.
I would put a smile on my face and answered fine to every “How are you doing” question.
Intentionally neglecting to address who I was in private was something I learned to do because of fear that people wouldn’t like who I really was. I convinced myself that it was ok to be one way around my family, another way around church friends, non-church friends and yet another way in the privacy of my bedroom.
I did not know how to walk in integrity, to be the same person whether lots of people were around or no one at all. And I carried this same acceptability into my past relationships.
When I married my husband Morgan, I swore I would never carry that past shame into this relationship. That God did not give me a spirit fear, but a peace, love, power & calm mindset.
The shame and pain I had from a child now to an adult haunted me. The enemy kept trying to come back. 
Soon I had barriers and walls up to keep everyone I had loved and God out of certain parts of my life that I didn’t want them to know about.
Can I just say I am so thankful that God caught my attention, convicted my heart to the point of repentance and transformed my character! Now, in my early, very early 30’s laughing because I used to think that was old, I can confidently say that I walk in integrity.
I am the same person at church, with friends, at home, and by myself. I am who I am. I no longer hide. I no longer cringe from the sting of shame. Why? Because I have been set free from my sin and from my hiding, I live a life Qualified and Called and I have never felt so close to God or my husband Morgan. My husband has really taught me so much, and never have a met someone who was so selfless. 
Psalm 101:2-4
I will give heed to the blameless way.
When will you come to Jesus?
I will walk within my house in the integrity of my heart.
I will set no worthless thing before my eyes;
I hate the work of those who fall away;
It shall not fasten its grip on me.
A perverse heart shall depart from me; I will know no evil.
This verse reminds me to walk in integrity, even in my home, when no one is watching. It reminds me to keep my eyes on the things of the Lord. It reminds me to love what is good and hate what is evil.
A perverse heart shall depart from me.
Do you walk in integrity when no one is watching?
Psalm 101: 2 I will walk in the integrity of my heart.

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